Sport
So ya know, I've been taking these kung-fu classes lately. I must say they are great. Teach you how to be as powerful as a tiger, as quick as a monkey, as smart as a dragon. Why just the other day, these guys came up to me with a knife and demanded money. So, I turned into a chicken and ran!
* * *
One Day the Devil challenged
the Lord to a Judo tournament. Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't
have a chance, I have Kano, Mifune, Kotani, Kimura and all the greatest players
up here".
"Yes", snickered the Devil, "but I have all the referees."
* * *
A farmer dies and goes to hell. While down there the Devil notices that a farmer is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 90 degrees and about 80 percent humidity. So the Devil goes over to the farmer and asks why he's so happy. The farmer says, "I like it here, the temperature is just like plowing my fields in June."
The Devil isn't happy with the farmer's answer, so he goes over and turns up the temperature to 100 degrees and the humidity to 90 percent.
After turning everything up he goes looking for the farmer. He finds him standing around just as happy as can be. The Devil quizzes the farmer again as to why he's so happy. The farmer says, "This is even better, it's like pulling weeds in the fields during July."
The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the farmer suffer, so he turns the heat up to 120 degrees and the humidity to 100 percent.
Once again, he goes looking for the farmer, and finds him sitting on the floor -- even happier than before! The farmer turns to the Devil and says, "This is great, it's just like working in the silo with my friends in August."
The Devil says, "That's it, I'll get this farmer." He goes over and turns the temperature down to 25 degrees and sets the weather control to SNOW. "Lets see what the farmer has to say about this."
A little while later, the Devil finds the farmer - only nowhe's jumping up and down for joy and yelling, "The Packers have finally won the Superbowl!"
* * *
What do you do when your opponent claims to have found his ball in the rough and you know he's a liar because his ball is in your pocket?
* * *
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated
partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the goddamn
ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I
want to make this a perfect shot."
"Well, hell, man, you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
* * *
A guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!", he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh, man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years ! "
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic !"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"
And the man replies "My God ! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there !"
* * *
Rich texans are fabled for their grand style but when one oil tycoon appeared at a local golf course followed by a servant pulling a foam-cushioned chaise-lounge, his opponents thought that was taking style too far.
"J.R., are you going to make that poor caddie lug that couch all over the course after you?" he was asked.
"Caddie, my eye," explained J.R. "That's my psychiatrist."
* * *
Two golfers were discussing a bill that Harry, the hospital administrator, had sent to Bill, a recent father.
"Harry, this is too much for the use of the delivery room. You know I didn't get my wife there in time and the baby was born on the hospital's front lawn."
Harry took the bill, crossed out the offending entry and substituted another. "Greens Fee," it read.
* * *
A woman playing golf was stung by a bee. Afraid she'd have an allergic reaction, she ran back to the clubhouse to find the pro. Finding him, she says breathlessly, "I've been stung by a bee! What shall I do?" "Where were you stung?" the pro asks. "Between the first and second hole!" "Lady, we gotta work on your stance."
* * *
Four married guys go golfing over the weekend and on Sunday during the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued. First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?" Fourth Guy: "That's easy! I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a poke and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?' So she says, 'Wear your sweater.'"