School
A mom and dad were worried about their son not
wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a
Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the
house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a
little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find
him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the
rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card
and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+.
Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about
learning math?"
The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."
* * *
The parents were very disappointed in the grades that their son brought home. "The only consolation I can find in these awful grades," lamented the father, "is that I know he never cheated during his exams."
* * *
"Dad, can you write in the dark?"
"I think so. What is it you want me to write?"
"Your name on this report card."
* * *
Girl: "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
Mother: "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
Girl: "My homework."
* * *
The child comes home from his first day at
school.
Mother: "What did you learn today?"
Kid: "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."
* * *
Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic."
Father: "Why?"
Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"
Father: "But that's right!"
Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
Father: "What's the fucking difference?"
Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"
* * *
Teacher: "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?"
Boy: "Somebody else's pants."
* * *
Teacher: "Johnny, what is the outside of a
tree called?"
Johnny: "I don’t know."
Teacher: "Bark, Johnny, bark."
Johnny: "Bow, wow, wow!"
* * *
Teacher: "Suppose there were a dozen sheep
and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?"
Boy: "None."
Teacher: "None? You don't know your arithmetic!"
Boy: "Teacher, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all
go!"
* * *
Teacher: "If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"
Boy: "Seven!"
Teacher: "No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"
Boy: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?"
Boy: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"
Boy: "Seven!"
Teacher: "How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?"
Boy: "I've already got one rabbit at home now!"
* * *
Teacher: "How can you prove the earth is
round?"
Boy: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."
* * *
Billy and Willy were at Sunday school studying about Noah's ark. On the way home, Willy asked, "Do you think Noah did much fishing?"
"How could he?" said Billy. "He only had two worms".
The teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row. The teacher shouts to the sleeping student's neighbor, "Hey wake that student up!"
The neighbor yells back, "You put him to sleep, you wake him up!"
* * *
Teacher: "You know you can't sleep in my
class."
Boy: "I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could."
* * *
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then, mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
* * *
The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, "Now I'll show you this frog in my pocket." He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich. He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, "That's funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch."
* * *
The teacher brings a statue of Venus into class
and asks, "What do you like best about it, class? Let's start with you,
Robert."
Robert: "The artwork."
Teacher: "Very good. And you, Peter?"
Peter: "Her tits!"
Teacher: "Peter, get out! Go stand in the hall! And you, Johnny?"
Johnny: "I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..."
* * *
Boy: "Isn't the principal a dummy!"
Girl: "Say, do you know who I am?"
Boy: "No."
Girl: "I'm the principal's daughter."
Boy: "And do you know who I am?"
Girl: "No,"
Boy: "Thank goodness!"
* * *
Teacher: "Why are you late?"
Boy: "Because of a sign down the road."
Teacher: "What does a sign have to do with your being late?"
Boy: "The sign said, 'School Ahead, Go Slow!'"
* * *
Teacher: "You missed school yesterday,
didn't you?"
Boy: "Not a bit!"
* * *
Teacher: "How do you spell
"dog"?"
Boy: "D, o, g, enter."
* * *
Boy: "I've just had the most awful time. First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."
Friend: "Wow! How did you pull through?"
Boy: "I don't know. Toughest spelling test I ever had!"
* * *
A gentleman wanders around the campus of a college looking for the library. He approaches a student and asked, "Excuse me, young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?"
The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, "I sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!"
The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied, "I beg your pardon. Please allow me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, asshole?"
* * *
The English teacher's husband walked in and caught his wife sleeping with a young co-ed. He said, "Why, Susan, I'm surprised." She bolted upright, pointed her finger and corrected him, "No. I am surprised. You are astonished."
* * *
An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, "The parrot I purchased uses improper language."
"I'm surprised," said the owner. "I've never taught that bird to swear."
"Oh, it isn't that," explained the professor. "But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive."
* * *
The answer to the problem was "log(1+x)". A student copied the answer from the student next to him, but didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to "timber(1+x)".